rosejailmaiden (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rosejailmaiden) wrote2008-03-05 09:09 am
rosejailmaiden) wrote2008-03-05 09:09 am
Oh man.
My mom told me this morning my grandpa died.
It's not that I'm surprised or anything. He was pretty much fighting off cancer for the last two weeks anyway, it's just that...
Why am I so apathetic when people die? I mean, when she told me this morning I was just like, "oh," and went back to watching Today and drinking my coffee like I always do in the morning before class. It was the same way when my grandma died. I was in the car on the way back from school playing Pokemon or something, and my mom mentions it, and I was just all, "that's too bad" and kept playing my game.
And I should be feeling guilty. We went to visit him in the nursing home on Sunday and my mom took forever in there in his room talking to Grandma and helping her program her cell phone so I just went out to the waiting room and watched Airplane! on the TV out there. Shouldn't I feel bad that the last moments I could have spent with my grandpa I spent impatiently outside watching some old movie I've seen before? And that the last words I said around him were "Mom, we need to go now"?
I don't feel terrible at all.
I keep hoping it's because I'm so spiritually attuned I know it's not the end and I'll see him again some day, but what if that's not the case? What if I'm just emotionally broken and never get to feel the pain of loss? It's common in Aspies, because the emotional/social parts of our brains are wired wrong. I want to experience everything in life. I want to grieve. I'm more worried now that I'll never feel that kind of pain than that I'll never see him again. And it makes me feel like maybe I'm not completely human.
Am I alone in feeling this way, or am I overreacting as usual?
It's not that I'm surprised or anything. He was pretty much fighting off cancer for the last two weeks anyway, it's just that...
Why am I so apathetic when people die? I mean, when she told me this morning I was just like, "oh," and went back to watching Today and drinking my coffee like I always do in the morning before class. It was the same way when my grandma died. I was in the car on the way back from school playing Pokemon or something, and my mom mentions it, and I was just all, "that's too bad" and kept playing my game.
And I should be feeling guilty. We went to visit him in the nursing home on Sunday and my mom took forever in there in his room talking to Grandma and helping her program her cell phone so I just went out to the waiting room and watched Airplane! on the TV out there. Shouldn't I feel bad that the last moments I could have spent with my grandpa I spent impatiently outside watching some old movie I've seen before? And that the last words I said around him were "Mom, we need to go now"?
I don't feel terrible at all.
I keep hoping it's because I'm so spiritually attuned I know it's not the end and I'll see him again some day, but what if that's not the case? What if I'm just emotionally broken and never get to feel the pain of loss? It's common in Aspies, because the emotional/social parts of our brains are wired wrong. I want to experience everything in life. I want to grieve. I'm more worried now that I'll never feel that kind of pain than that I'll never see him again. And it makes me feel like maybe I'm not completely human.
Am I alone in feeling this way, or am I overreacting as usual?
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When my mother died I didn't cry or anything, and I didn't even cry at her funeral. I was just like, 'whatever', and it wasn't until months later that it started to bother me.
You're just you. Everyone handles it differently.
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But like I said, I've never been bothered by much of anyone dying.
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