Oh man.

[rosejailmaiden]

My mom told me this morning my grandpa died.


It's not that I'm surprised or anything. He was pretty much fighting off cancer for the last two weeks anyway, it's just that...

Why am I so apathetic when people die? I mean, when she told me this morning I was just like, "oh," and went back to watching Today and drinking my coffee like I always do in the morning before class. It was the same way when my grandma died. I was in the car on the way back from school playing Pokemon or something, and my mom mentions it, and I was just all, "that's too bad" and kept playing my game.

And I should be feeling guilty. We went to visit him in the nursing home on Sunday and my mom took forever in there in his room talking to Grandma and helping her program her cell phone so I just went out to the waiting room and watched Airplane! on the TV out there. Shouldn't I feel bad that the last moments I could have spent with my grandpa I spent impatiently outside watching some old movie I've seen  before? And that the last words I said around him were "Mom, we need to go now"?

I don't feel terrible at all.

I keep hoping it's because I'm so spiritually attuned I know it's not the end and I'll see him again some day, but what if that's not the case? What if I'm just emotionally broken and never get to feel the pain of loss? It's common in Aspies, because the emotional/social parts of our brains are wired wrong. I want to experience everything in life. I want to grieve. I'm more worried now that I'll never feel that kind of pain than that I'll never see him again. And it makes me feel like maybe I'm not completely human.

Am I alone in feeling this way, or am I overreacting as usual?

Comments

[lilypeters.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. *hugs* ;_;

~Lily~

[twitchytwitch.livejournal.com]

It's alright! -hugs- I'm exactly the same way. I don't find death too sad, it's all. It doesn't mean we're not human.

Why on earth should you feel guilty? We are not in charge of who dies and who lives. We did nothing wrong.

[nekusagi.livejournal.com]

Well, it's just that I feel I wasted those last minutes I saw him alive out watching the movie and complaining about the magazines in the waiting room and going to tell my mom to hurry up. But he was suffering, so I suppose I should be glad he's happy now.

[evil-raichu.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear that. Sometimes it just takes certian people longer to go through the grieving process than others. A lot of people often don't grieve until they go to the viewing/funeral, and that sets it off. Other people, it takes months.

When my mother died I didn't cry or anything, and I didn't even cry at her funeral. I was just like, 'whatever', and it wasn't until months later that it started to bother me.

You're just you. Everyone handles it differently.

[nekusagi.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I suppose so. I just feel so odd when I go to funerals (or memorials, in my grandpa's case- he's getting cremated) and sit around bored/playing my DS while all my relatives are busy talking about the dead person.

But like I said, I've never been bothered by much of anyone dying.

[evil-raichu.livejournal.com]

Um...well, it probably isn't proper etiquitte to bring your DS to something like that. O.o;; Especially when you're related to the person.

[treesdancealone.livejournal.com]

When you are going through a difficult time such as death of a love one its easier to forget about it and go on with your daily routine then to accept it and emotionally express your loss publicly. I have gone through so many hard times, My older brother was murdered was a big one, I have had pets, teachers, family members, neighbors die it seemed like one right after the other and after a while you just get used it and it doesn't upset you any more, except if you are really close with person, or at least thats how it was with me.

[nekusagi.livejournal.com]

Wow, a real live Lolita on my LJ!


Obviously, I met you on EGL. Remind me which post of mine you commented on. Was it the James/Sebastian/Butch art?

[treesdancealone.livejournal.com]

I don't remember sorry :(

[blackjackrocket.livejournal.com]

Were you at all close? I mean, when my grandma died, I was a wreck, but when my uncle died I was more "Eh, whatever", since I never liked the guy.

[nekusagi.livejournal.com]

We were relatively close, and he really liked my art (I even did illustrations for his memoirs, in exchange for $5 and a cool antique mirror they were about to sell), but it was the same with my grandma.

I'm cool about it now. He was suffering pretty badly. I think he probably wanted to die.

[enigma-shadow1.livejournal.com]

Oh dear...I'm sorry. *hug*

[offkilter06.livejournal.com]

When my mom told me that each of my grandparents died, I had a similar reaction. I think I'm just analytical, but I can pretty easily accept that I will never see people again. Weirdly enough, the only funeral I've ever really cried at was a person I barely knew, because I was upset that I don't grieve like other people. It was totally selfish.

My mom wanted to put me in therapy after my Grandma's death. I think our conversation went like this:
Mom: I want to tell you (blah blah blah sentimental crap I don't comprehend) and I'm here for you if you are sad about this.
Me: My glasses are dirty. Can we go to Wal-Mart today?

Yeah that was about it. I'm right there with you, though.

[systemaurora.livejournal.com]

hm. Sounds like part Aspie stuff, part subconscious defense mechanism. I know that sometimes when major things happened (i.e. when I was sexually assaulted) I've just shrugged and made myself believe it wasn't that big a deal. Sort of like if I didn't react to it, it wouldn't bother.

I guess I was sort of right, except that I ended up with 9-13+ different personalities because of doing that. O_o I don't think it works quite the same way with death, but maybe somewhere along the way you've learned that things run more smoothly if you don't try to make yourself feel sad/upset over it? I dunno, just a theory.