I already read this when you wanted me to have a quick read through of this piece, but I decided to read it again because I love it so much. :)
"No, I really must be going," Rich said, quickly wheeling Anabel away, Olivia following behind. "Anabel," Rich said, "they scare me in here."
I think I remember saying this to you about this part, but yeah I think you can leave the second 'Rich said' part. Makes the paragraph flow better.
"I'd love to!" Olivia said, looking at the shelves full of clothes, furniture, accessories, and toys. A set of colorful blocks caught her eye. They were pastel colored and had letters and numbers carved into the sides.
"Blocks!" Olivia said. "Let's get some blocks!"
Well, IMO, I think the two separate paragraphs should go together into one paragraph since you still have Olivia talking and the second paragraph is related to the first one. This is just me, though.
My main concern over this piece is you keep repeating "Rich said" and then "Anabel said" when the two were talking. You don't have to mention who spoke that line all the time as the readers will be able to figure who is the speaker and such.
Besides those minor problems, you did extremely well doing this remix. I especially love your take on Olivia in here. She's such a cutie and I just want to hug her, haha. Exceptional work here! ;)
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winterfish
no subject
Date: 2011-01-26 07:28 pm (UTC)"No, I really must be going," Rich said, quickly wheeling Anabel away, Olivia following behind. "Anabel," Rich said, "they scare me in here."
I think I remember saying this to you about this part, but yeah I think you can leave the second 'Rich said' part. Makes the paragraph flow better.
"I'd love to!" Olivia said, looking at the shelves full of clothes, furniture, accessories, and toys. A set of colorful blocks caught her eye. They were pastel colored and had letters and numbers carved into the sides.
"Blocks!" Olivia said. "Let's get some blocks!"
Well, IMO, I think the two separate paragraphs should go together into one paragraph since you still have Olivia talking and the second paragraph is related to the first one. This is just me, though.
My main concern over this piece is you keep repeating "Rich said" and then "Anabel said" when the two were talking. You don't have to mention who spoke that line all the time as the readers will be able to figure who is the speaker and such.
Besides those minor problems, you did extremely well doing this remix. I especially love your take on Olivia in here. She's such a cutie and I just want to hug her, haha. Exceptional work here! ;)